Monday, November 19, 2007

The big fight.

We don’t fight that often, but when we do, it always turns into so much more than it needed to. I blame him (of course) and he blames me. I think what’s really going on is that we have incompatible fighting styles.

He just can’t let it go. I only want to let it go.

He wants to talk it out to death. I want to remain silent and never revisit it again.

He prefers to yell and talk over me. I prefer to talk low, make sarcastic remarks and pretend like I’m on the “no yelling” high road.

He can stay mad for days. I can stay mad for about 30 seconds.

He likes to tell me what I’m thinking. I like to tell him he’s wrong.

He’ll fight anywhere (Santa Claus parade, hello?) I’ll fight at home only.

He’ll use words like “always” and “never”. I’ll say things like “what’s wrong with you?” and “you need help”.

He’ll resort to name-calling. I’ll pretend to be wounded.

He apologizes, but always expects an apology in return. I stand by the “love means never having to say I’m sorry” rule.

He can be bought out of anger with SwissChalet. I silently declare victory.

How about you? How do you fight?

17 comments:

Laural Dawn said...

So timely, this post.
We're a lot like you - different fighting styles. And we had a doozy this weekend. (it was a long time brewing).
I like to discuss the issue. He likes to nitpick at how I phrase sentences and avoid the big issue.
I don't stay mad long once I've had an apology, but he refuses to understand what I am mad about. And then it's hard not to be mad.
Like your husband, my love can be bought by Swiss Chalet (especially the festive special).

bananafana said...

my goodness - did everyone have a fight this weekend? we had a pretty good one as well. I tend to talk (and talk and talk) until the other person tells me they understand/get where I'm coming from. He tends to get stone faced and not respond(he hates conflict of any type) or he takes low blows that are nasty (this is a new thing for him since the first technique was his only for years). I expect an apology for anything truly unkind and unfair that was said but that tends to be rare in our house. I always "win"

Nowheymama said...

Sounds like we're almost the opposite of you two. Except I don't fight in public and I don't name call. Out loud, anyway.

Sara said...

I could have written this. I mean it. Ed is so big on the name calling when we fight. And I act like the world is ending. He'll also fight anywhere.

Me, I let it go almost immediately. He holds a grudge for days.

Pickles & Dimes said...

Ohmigod. We fight EXACTLY the same. He's a talker and a talker and a TALKER and I just want to discuss it once (for a short period of time) and then be done.

He's also good at "apologizing" only as a way to reintroduce what he thought *I* did wrong. "I'm sorry for X, but if you wouldn't have..." ARGH.

And he talks over me. And when I talk louder, he says I'm the one who's interrupting HIM.

God. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. Ha ha!

Tessie said...

Man, this is great, in an I-so-relate way.

Especially the part about pretending to take the high road. THAT IS ME. Sometimes I even SAY "well, one of us has to take the high road". He also stays mad for days, and I at most stay mad until the next day. I also liked "what's wrong with you" and "you need help". At our last fight, I actually said "YOU HAVE PROBLEMS THAT I CAN'T HELP YOU WITH"! Oh boy. Not good.

Badness Jones said...

Hubs couldn't say 'Sorry' to save his life...or he'll give me a sarcastic "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done, am doing now and ever will do, OK?". Sigh. He always takes any criticism or upset as a personal attack, and because of his family history I know why....but still, why can't he admit that I'M always right? It would be so much easier that way.

Amreen said...

you are so my husband, and your husband is so me. our fighting style and yours are very similar - i wonder if there are one of each, i'll call one the "name caller" and the other "silent angry one", in every marriage?

Kristen said...

We had a biggie this weekend too:(
We are a mix I think. I talk and talk and talk, all I want is to be understood. But as soon as I start talking he shuts down and his only responses are 'I'm Sorry's' that really mean 'Shut up!' and 'I will tell you anything that I think will make you happy'
I get over things as soon as I feel heard and cry and he consoles me. He doesn't talk, just broods about things for years, so he is always a bit angry.
He is the one who takes the 'high road' (or as I call it, passive aggression), and I am the one who asks 'what is wrong with you?' Yikes, I hate that!
honestly I am a terrible fighter. I haven't always been, but the longer I go feeling unheard, the worse I get.
He used to always just tell me I was right and that I could never make him angry and that he was sorry for everything. It took both of us years to figure out that he hated confrontation, but was actually very angry about a lot of things. Because of his upbringing he was too afraid of upsetting me to let me know what was really going on.
We are learning to do things better now, how to fight better, communicate better.

Marie Green said...

I am like a semi-active volcano- I have little (and sometimes big) eruptions all the time, then I feel better and move on.

He gets "wounded" by my eruptions and takes forever to recover. I'm always like- "you're still upset about THAT? I was over that DAYS ago."

Honestly, we don't fight much at all. We're too busy trying to survive, I think. =)

(Besides, he's finally learned I'm always right. Ha!)

shay said...

I found you from my friend's blog and is it wrong that I am LMAO here!
We fought this weekend too!
AND it was really my fault cuz I was piss-y about my birthday AND we yelled .
I used to apologize and cry but now I stand up and yell and fight back. I LOVE fighting now. Does this make me a bad person?
I can't hold a grudge and he thinks I'm crazy (I kind of agree).
Anyway it all ended well...

Jess said...

When we disagree, I am the loud one and Torsten is much quieter. But it doesn't feel like fighting because usually it gets resolved through discussion (sometimes with swearing on my part in the middle) and neither of us never feels mad. Just frustrated, which is usually fixed quickly.

mom of the year said...

WOW! That's a loaded question. The actual manner in which we fight varies. My hubs is the "I'd rather die in the Sahara than fight type" and I'm all "let get this shit worked out NOW" type. SO there's usually some brooding, silence, and then an eruption by yours truly. F-U-N!

mom of the year said...

Marie Green: Did we marry the same man? I think quite possibly, YES...

Banana said...

TM has to take a break and think for a while which used to drive me CRAZY. I like to talk talk talk right now until we're done.
I've learned that it's better to let him take a minute and then return to the conversation. This usually works to my benefit. I studied Communication (specifically "Human Interaction") so I usually know the right things to say before he takes his "minute". He usually comes back ready to talk and discuss, instead of fight and yell which is what happens if I make him talk right away.

Kat said...

Oh yeah. Opposite fighting styles. I like to talk until we "resolve the issue". He likes to stew for a while and then act as if nothing happened. He gets evil angry, and will name-call and swear. I will not do either one, but will often inadvertently hurt him, by suggesting in a passive-agressive way that he is not in the good husband and father category, and he's darn lucky I will put up with his antics.

*SIGH* Marriage is hard!

Swistle said...

Paul gives me the silent treatment. If I finally force him out, he's cold and angry and irrational. This makes me calm and cool and logical, so I always "win." Except then for years I remember every single thing he said.